Paul Slansky's Weekly Index of the News

Academy Awards
• annual horrible presentation of prompts critic Tom Shales to observe, "The Oscar ceremony has been televised since the early '50s, but they still haven't gotten the bugs out"

Arrested Development
• good news for fans of

Bachmann, Rep. Michele
• Republican party chairman Michael Steele is told "You be da man!" by

Bolton, John
• joke by about the nuclear destruction of Chicago delights attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference

Broder, David
• spouting of inane drivel by continues apace

Bunning, Sen. Jim
• Justice Ginsburg is given nine months to live by

Bush, George W.
• Senate will investigate actions of CIA during administration of

Cruise, Tom
• encounter of with similarly-named ex-girlfriend causes visible flustering of

Griffin, Kathy
• over two million dollars are paid to for memoir no straight man will buy

Grose, Dean
• allegedly amusing e-mail depicting watermelons on White House lawn is sent by to fellow Orange County citizens, among them an unamused black woman
• unawareness that the alleged affinity of African Americans for watermelon is one of the basic tenets of racial stereotyping is claimed by
• why the - okay, Dean, have it your way - non-racist image of watermelons on the White House lawn is supposed to be funny goes unexplained by

Guantanamo
• conditions at are reportedly worse since Obama took office as guards "get their kicks in" before the closing of

Helmsley, Leona
• judge reduces bequeathment by to dogs of

Jindal, Gov. Bobby
• channeling by of the voice of 30 Rock's Kenneth the NBC page
• David Brooks is appalled by speech of
• Fox News commentators are appalled by speech of
• "volcano monitoring" program is idiotically mocked - "Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C." - by
• Washington Post is appalled by

Limbaugh, Rush
• bafflement of at degree of animosity aimed at Bobby Jindal by conservatives
• bafflement of at degree of animosity aimed at self by women

Louis CK
• brilliant Conan O'Brien appearance of turns up in millions of in-boxes

McCain, Sen. John
• resentment of that perks of the presidency will never be enjoyed by is not well-hidden by

Murdoch, Rupert
• New York Post cartoon depicting Obama as a monkey riddled with bullets is apologized for by
• Rev. Al Sharpton is - huge surprise coming here, wait for it - dissatisfied with apology of

New York University
• filming of the pathetic end of the student occupation of the food court of

Obama, President Barack
• apoplexy is induced in Tom DeLay by speech of
• public does not share the obsession with bipartisanship of, and would really rather that campaign promises of be kept by, whether Republicans who created the current disasters like it or not
• opponents of are so desperate that all they can do is cling, and cling, and cling, and cling, to crazed allegations of the non-American birth of

Pelosi, Rep. Nancy
• determination of to demonstrate to America just how totally Obama is supported by
• Obama's plan for withdrawal of troops from Iraq is complained about by

Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News
• bankruptcy protection is filed for by

Richter, Andy
• good news for fans of

Ridge, Tom
• due process for terror suspects is belatedly endorsed by

Rocky Mountain News
• demise of

Rourke, Mickey
• profanities-contained-in-a-televised-award-acceptance-speech record is set by

San Francisco Chronicle
• threatened demise of

Sanders, John
• firing of from job as Baltimore TV reporter for doctoring a video to make it seem like Fox News host John Gibson compared Attorney General Eric Holder to a monkey with a "bright blue scrotum"

schadenfreude
• Wall Street Journal article evokes strong feelings of in non-fans of the Bush administration

Seacrest, Ryan
• Slumdog Millionaire kids are interviewed by

Seinfeld, Jerry
• discovery by that "the comedic potential" of marriage "is quite rich"

The Simpsons
• good news for fans of

Smith, Liz
• current state of gossip is bemoaned by

Socks
• passing of

soft toilet paper
• cost to the environment of

Tropicana
• classic old orange juice packaging that was just weeks ago replaced for no good reason whatsoever with laughably inferior generic design is hurriedly brought back by

Williamson, Bishop Richard
• apology for saying there were no gas chambers in Nazi concentration camps - though not for believing it - is finally offered by

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